I’m not going to lie. When I first heard this song I thought WTF? “I can’t stop how I’m feeling/It’s like I need you/And if you let me, I can fix you” – um…ok – I suddenly hear The Police in my head and imagine an ex I once had. Here’s the video –
It’s fluffy, I know – I actually like the beat. The more I listen to it, the more I can picture teen/early 20′s me saying, “If he could just stop doing *insert inappropriate behaviour* we would be so happy. I can change him.” In a way, it makes me wonder how many young people actually feel this way. You know the ones – they always date the guy/girl who treats them like dirt and yet they just can’t seem to let go. “Let me fix you.” It has an almost creep factor to it, and a desperation. Creepy because I can actually associate with it. Desperation because I know that feeling – “Let me fix you.” I’ve matured significantly since my youth and know all too well that you can’t ‘fix’ someone. They aren’t broken. They may be wounded, lost, angry, or just overwhelmed – but you can’t fix them. They have to help themselves.
PS – I won’t comment on styling or clothing.
Sickness. It’s funny how you can seem like a completely healthy person and have sickness jump you constantly. Almost two weeks ago I got smacked with another virus of some sort. This time it went all the way and decided to hit my lungs first. The doctor put me on another course of prednisone. On top of being sick again, I have not been able to go to yoga due to issues beyond my control. All this has combined to make the sunniest of the days look pretty dark lately. BUT – they haven’t been dark.
It’s amazing what a little decluttering of space can do for a mind. I spent the weekend inside with my children. It was hard because the days were bright and sunny, but it was worth every minute. Together we managed to near completely declutter their rooms which lead to a resurgence in my will to declutter the rest of my space. I won’t post photos, but needless to say I discovered that I have two little hoarders living in my home that I am helping to kick the hoarding habit. It really is amazing what kids will keep in their rooms.
I’m getting back on track this week. I’m still hacking, though not nearly as bad as last week. I’m going to yoga Friday night, I’m not going to eat those chips in my cupboard. I’m going to get up early and do a yoga morning workout before work every day. I will go to bed no later then 10 pm. I will drink the water I need to every day. I will have my green smoothie every morning (which I’m proud to say I have been!). I will help my children finish decluttering their toys, I will declutter my kitchen, then my library, then my storage room, then my shed. I will give away more clothes, toys, dishes, and knick knacks. I will use my clothes line. I will walk every day I humanly can.
Most importantly -
I WILL SUCCEED
I finally made it to my first yoga class last Friday evening, and even went on Sunday. I LOVED it. Actually, to say I loved it is an understatement. For well over 10 years I have been wanting to try yoga. I knew it would fit me, but wasn’t 100% sure it would. Now, not only do I know it fits me, I know it is something I could be passionate about. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend this weekend as we are away, but I have will be attending every chance I get from now on. I felt so light hearted and happy when I left. The calm and peace was embracing. We even did some laughter yoga, amazing. Even over weight, I am still natural flexible (though not nearly as much as I used to be!) and yoga practice is like breathing in a dose of my youth.
Some things in my life seem to finally be clicking into place. Though I am struggling with eating properly – I am an emotional/stress eater. I fully realize and acknowledge this. I think regular attending and practicing yoga will help me combat that, but my biggest challenge is night time eating. You know that craving you get late in the evening when it’s really close to bed? Yes, that craving hits me almost nightly on a ‘I’m starving’ level. I haven’t figured out why. Some nights are better then others. I try to satisfy that craving with something light (like homemade kale chips – yum) or water, but sometimes I completely cave to the crave. It’s awful.
My goals for the coming months are simple – cut the crave, continue with the green smoothie, cut out as much dairy and gluten as I can. My life goal is to eventually be vegan, but I know right now that is unrealistic for me, I need to make my steps small. Unfortunately for me, I love food – well, maybe that’s fortunate. What I mean is that I love meat, seafood and all maner of things not so good for me or the world in which we live. But I’m working on it.
I think this is a good weekend to rewatch some Firefly…
Random thoughts – Maroon 5′s Overexposed album is pretty excellent. Revolution should be watched by everyone – everwhere. Iron Man 3 is out next weekend (and with those last two sentences I feel like a hypocrit). Upcoming movies I want to see Thor 2, Fast and Furious 6, and Chronicles of Riddick.
Wrote this after watching “Revolution” today – you can also find it under “Life” in my poetry section.
Ocean of toxins
Rivers of tar
But it’s too
But it’s too
Field of mutants
But it’s too
It’s amazing what pain can do. Physical, mental and emotional pain are all so inter-connected. As though you cannot have one without it influencing the other. When you deal with pain on an almost daily basis – whether physical, mental or emotional – it can and does have an impact on so many areas of your life. I know full well (now more then ever) that my emotional pain adversely affects my children. They may not know why mommy is ‘off’ or cranky, but they sense it no matter how hard I try to hide it.
I’ve come upon another loggerhead. My past keeps attacking me, more so lately, making it extremely difficult to just ‘be’. As the title suggest, I feel like I’ve been walking around my life with an incredible likeness of being. I am here. I love my children deeply, I love my partner deeply, but everything (almost everything) else is a motion. Emotional and mental pain lead to physical pain. As I’ve said in past post, I’m dealing with weight and chronic pain issues. When I say dealing – I’m going to physiotherapy, I am going to a chiropractor, I am going to be getting a massage (and hopefully make it regular, it’s covered thank goodness), I have a yoga class in mind and will be going this week finally (baring any emergencies!). I am truly enjoying the green smoothie challenge and will continue with it as long as I can. 17 days in…I feel like I am finally sticking to something, but I still feel empty inside. A huge part of me is missing and I can’t seem to find her. I am here, where is she?
I recently redid the Myers Briggs personality quiz through work, as well as, the Enneagram. It is rather uncanny how accurate they are. It is also sad to see yourself laid out there, just another formula that fit the mark. To realize I’m not that unique is a bit defeating, but at the same time it made me realize that I don’t want to fit in that box. I may fit the form right now, or bare a likeness to it, but it isn’t who I am.
I am once again feeling drained, mentally, emotionally. The pain in my knees and back a physical reminder of my inner turmoil. But I’m working on it. One step at a time.
Next step – a nice family walk tonight…
uMDwCTF.jpg (840×441). Little known fact about me. I LOVE Winnie the Pooh…more specifically I love Eeyore…check out this cartoon – you won’t regret it. BTW – it is a Reddit find…thanks Reddit.
Looking for a decent list of non-Monsanto seed suppliers? Here it is! Thanks to Occupy Monsanto for compiling this great list - Monsanto-Free Seed Companies Occupy Monsanto.
It’s never too late to turn back the tide and be free of companies like Monsanto.
I don’t know what it is about this song…maybe it’s more the combination of the song and the video – but it moves me. Skrillex & Damian “Jr. Gong” Marley – Make It Bun Dem [OFFICIAL VIDEO] – YouTube.
Music has always moved me in ways nothing else could. Even on my darkest nights, when nothing seems to be able to touch my spirit – music does. I breath it in and it infuses my soul with a presence I can’t really name. It’s there, it’s feeling, it’s knowing, it’s powerful.
I did it. I finally finished reading the first lesson completely for the OBOD. I realized I needed to get a journal at the end and that’s ok. My partner and I spent the afternoon rearranging our room and low and behold there it was. An old journal I had bought from a small shop many years ago. It has a little writing in it, the pages and journal bound together by hand. I’m excited – it was refreshing to find it again. I think it will do.
How do I feel finally getting the first one under my belt? Excellent. I feel like I have finally accomplished something. As I sit here, cat in lap, wine in glass – I feel exhausted and hopeful. It’s a great feeling. I also am embarking on a new endeavor tomorrow. My chiropractor’s office is having a Green smoothie challenge (I mentioned it in Friday’s post). I decided to try the actual recipe today to make sure I’d like it. It looks like green sludge, can be sucked through a straw and taste AMAZING! That wasn’t really that shocking – it’s made with spinach, kale or broccoli (two of the three), avocado, celery, strawberries, blueberries, pineapple juice, almond milk, and protein powder if you want – I may be missing something there, but that’s the basics – I love all of the ingredients and on the whole it was delicious!
Spring has definitely sprung. Tomorrow’s agenda – physio and if the weather is as gorgeous as it was today – I plan on finally building my raised garden beds (the frames at least). I have a lot of seeds that I wasn’t able to plant last year. The soil was consistently too wet where I am, so this year I will endeavor to create at least 2 raised beds. One solely for vegetables, the other for herbs. I also am hoping to get my flower beds in order (finally). Seven years in a house you would think I’d at least have one flower bed!
The neurotic in me think no one really cares about this progress, the optimist in me thinks someone will benefit. Blogs are a funny thing that way. Whether it’s on something specific or just randomness – the interest is all dependent on the reader.
Speaking of random…I feel as though I should share the cat on my lap – Sugar is almost 7, huge (about 17 lbs), and a snuggler…she’s saved me from anxiety more times then I can count. I love my pets…
What a gorgeous day it is out today! The sun is full shinning, the snow is almost completely gone from my lawn, the air feels fresh and clean! It is so revitalizing! Yes, I woke up happy. It’s a different feeling from what I’ve been experiencing over the last several weeks/months. It’s wonderful.
This song practically encapsulates that feeling - Owl City – Fireflies – YouTube. I love ‘Fireflies’. It’s so happy, dreamy – just joyful. I am looking forward to getting into my chores today, to helping my step-daughter, and to just living in this beautiful new day. Even my dogs (all three!) seem to be in better spirits today.
It is a new day. A new opportunity, a new beginning. Let’s dive in.