Expectations vs reality

First off, I want to apologize. I have not been able to post as I had wanted to, as I had said I would and I am sorry for that.

My body and mind are not cooperating with me on a creative level right now – they are quite focused on the physical demands of growing a baby and it’s exhausting. My expectations for this site are quite grand, but they fall quite short as my reality right now (and those of my family) leaves little room for else right now. That being said, I am going to be revamping things on here – most likely in the New Year after my baby boy arrives (and I have a bit more sanity in that I won’t be working full-time on top of everything else).

We will see if my expectations for this site meet my reality. Till then – may you have peace in your mind and love in your heart.

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What You Waiting For?

I don’t know why I don’t listen to this song more…I always find it…hmmm…kicks me in the ass and gets me going. I’ve been so tired lately, I am definitely not firing all synapses. It’s time for a refresher. Also, it’s not so much the lyrics, it’s the chorus – “what you waiting for?”

What am I waiting for? Why do I always fall into a mind numbing nothingness? I need to write, I need to create, I need to BE!

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Rock me, Falco

I don’t know why, but I have always loved this song…as in always loved it since I first heard it in the ’80s. Yes, I am that old.

Today has been a really horrid day and it’s only 11 am where I am. That’s saying something. Rock Me Amadeus and it’s compatriots from the ’80s always seem to cheer me up a bit. Like this one – The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats – the video alone is enough to make anyone feel a mix of nostalgia and joy.

I need something to rock me right now…I need something to lift my spirits out of this greyness. It’s dark in here, I need to feel the light.

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Same Love

I think this pretty much says it all. Peace and love.

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Revelation (Mother Earth)

Just had to share. Some songs are timeless, this is one of them, in my opinion.

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Long road

I feel like I’m traveling a long road. I have what I would love to do, what I have to do, and what I need to do. Each of those take a different path, sometimes intertwining, often times they do not. Right now, through my mind numbing fatigue, I see that road getting longer and yet more appealing. In about 5 months I will be home for a year. A year to watch my newest child grow, a year to work my yard and maybe, just maybe, even create or at least begin the grove in my backyard. A year to plant a garden, to read my lessons, to expand my mind, to create and to discover.

I know that would sound odd to many ears. You see, I work a full-time, government job. It’s draining. It’s draining mentally, physically and emotionally. I am over-qualified, under utilized, and feel as though my intelligence has diminished a great deal over the years of being here. I strive in my personal life to do more, but often feel like a failure. All good intentions become lost in the wind. Thoughts of painting, writing, creating – they all merge into a fog that seems to be settled over my mind and I’ve often wondered how to illuminate and dissipate that fog. It could be part and parcel with the mild MS I have. I honestly don’t know, and have trouble remembering what the doctors have said. My desire to learn grows every day and that does not diminish. It keeps me going on the longest of days, it keeps my spirits lifted on the darkest of nights.

I know I’ve not been posting as often as I said or want to. I make no more illusions with myself. Realistically right now I need to focus on staying healthy as my unborn takes up more of my time. I need to focus on what my family needs and what I need. BUT that doesn’t mean I will be ending this project, if anything I’ve thought about transforming it and molding it into something more – not really any different, but more.

A friend of mine post on her facebook what she is grateful for every day. I won’t post daily here (maybe) but I do hope to make a weekly gratefulness post starting today.

Dose of Gratefulness – Today I am grateful for those who love me. Without them I would be lost in a sea of doubt and longing. They have aided me in finding my self-worth, and shown me that no matter the challenge we can rise above.

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To the bone

I’d forgotten how exhausting the first trimester could be in pregnancy. It has been 14 years since I was last pregnant (with my daughter who is my eldest, my son, my baby, was adopted). It’s equally amazing how the memories return of constant sleep. I worked part-time back then. I had lots of time to rest, not so much now. Now, it’s a battle to remain awake while in the office all day, followed by an evening of sports for my two, then maybe bed by 10…sometimes I’m lucky and it’s 9 pm. That hasn’t left me much time to read my coursework from OBOD, or to practice much of anything except some simple relaxation techniques and breathing…lots and lots of breathing. The exhaustion I feel is draining, and the tiredness seeps right down to the bone.

Don’t get me wrong though – that is not a complaint, just a statement of fact. I love this. I feel amazing health wise. Even with the exhaustion and nausea, I feel better then I have in years (I think I said that in my last post…). I am also looking forward a great deal to having my year off for maternity. That alone makes me realize how lucky I am to be in Canada where I am allowed that time by law. When my daughter was born it was 6 months. Even though I only worked part time, it tore me up to leave her so soon.

I have, however, not been gaming in the last while. That to me is the only downside (Is it really?). I log on to the login screen, and end up closing out before I ever get any further…usually because I realize I am simply too tired and need to go to bed. I am listening to my body. I am realizing what I can and cannot eat, when I need to rest, when I need to be active. I am far more aware of myself then I have in a long time. Most importantly, I feel cared for, loved, down to the bone.

This trimester is almost over. I will be 12 weeks this Friday. The ending of the first, means that, hopefully, I will have more energy, less exhaustion. I’m looking forward to the next chapter in this journey.

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Long Road to Another dream

Well, I did it. I didn’t think this body could do it one more time, but it somehow managed to…and I love it. What is it? It’s a baby, and at almost 10 weeks has a beautifully strong heart beat. My first child, a daughter, was born 13 years ago in March. My second child, a son, was adopted 11 years ago this coming December (he’ll be 12 in October). I always said I had wanted to experience pregnancy one more time – with my eyes wide open, with my heart full of the knowledge I had from my previous experiences. 14 years later, my wish has come true with a supportive partner at my side, and my two loving children in full support of our choice. It feels incredible.

Spiritually, I feel alive more then I have in years. I still fully intend on completing my Druidry studies, but they have been temporarily been put on a back burner while I get plenty of rest and try to focus on getting everything in order. I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted, my hope is to make this more regular, perhaps weekly. I haven’t completely decided. What I have decided is that my post, for the most part, will be more positive, I may even let you in on my more goofy, geeky side. I may post more about my comic book addiction, my gaming yen, my desire to polish off my children’s stories, my poetry, maybe even finally finish that book I’ve put off for years. What I do know, is that I am anxious to share my journey, good or bad. I am anxious to sort through the twist of my life and be alive again.

For years I have down (though I don’t think that’s the right word to use). I believe partly that it was hormones and stress. The last month have seen both even out in ways I didn’t think could or would happen. I love it. Magical is seeing your baby that you carry within kicking and floating and being so alive that you, yourself, feel a vibrancy from within that you had forgotten existed.

I see unicorns again in my life. Unicorns, faeries, dragons – Magic. I see life, love and hope. Most of all – I see me and I, for one, and blown away by this. I know the next few months will be long. I have aches and pains where I’d forgotten I had parts, but I am ready for that, I think I always have been.

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Let Me Fix You

I’m not going to lie. When I first heard this song I thought WTF? “I can’t stop how I’m feeling/It’s like I need you/And if you let me, I can fix you” – um…ok – I suddenly hear The Police in my head and imagine an ex I once had. Here’s the video –

It’s fluffy, I know – I actually like the beat. The more I listen to it, the more I can picture teen/early 20′s me saying, “If he could just stop doing *insert inappropriate behaviour* we would be so happy. I can change him.” In a way, it makes me wonder how many young people actually feel this way. You know the ones – they always date the guy/girl who treats them like dirt and yet they just can’t seem to let go. “Let me fix you.” It has an almost creep factor to it, and a desperation. Creepy because I can actually associate with it. Desperation because I know that feeling – “Let me fix you.” I’ve matured significantly since my youth and know all too well that you can’t ‘fix’ someone. They aren’t broken. They may be wounded, lost, angry, or just overwhelmed – but you can’t fix them. They have to help themselves.

PS – I won’t comment on styling or clothing.

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Attack of the hack

Sickness. It’s funny how you can seem like a completely healthy person and have sickness jump you constantly. Almost two weeks ago I got smacked with another virus of some sort. This time it went all the way and decided to hit my lungs first. The doctor put me on another course of prednisone. On top of being sick again, I have not been able to go to yoga due to issues beyond my control. All this has combined to make the sunniest of the days look pretty dark lately. BUT – they haven’t been dark.

It’s amazing what a little decluttering of space can do for a mind. I spent the weekend inside with my children. It was hard because the days were bright and sunny, but it was worth every minute. Together we managed to near completely declutter their rooms which lead to a resurgence in my will to declutter the rest of my space. I won’t post photos, but needless to say I discovered that I have two little hoarders living in my home that I am helping to kick the hoarding habit. It really is amazing what kids will keep in their rooms.

I’m getting back on track this week. I’m still hacking, though not nearly as bad as last week. I’m going to yoga Friday night, I’m not going to eat those chips in my cupboard. I’m going to get up early and do a yoga morning workout before work every day. I will go to bed no later then 10 pm. I will drink the water I need to every day. I will have my green smoothie every morning (which I’m proud to say I have been!). I will help my children finish decluttering their toys, I will declutter my kitchen, then my library, then my storage room, then my shed. I will give away more clothes, toys, dishes, and knick knacks. I will use my clothes line. I will walk every day I humanly can.

Most importantly -

I WILL SUCCEED

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