I’m still here. Really. As the title suggest, I’m holding on…to my resolve. But I feel like I’m tripping over the rail in front of me. The rail being my self-esteem, self-loathing, my imagination, my dreams, my desires, my fears. I’ve been sick again, stressed. But I’m not slowing down, at least not with what I want.
What’s my resolve? My resolve is to be healthy (as stated before), be spiritually in tune as I once was, to finally finish the novel that is in my head (novels actually), and get a book of poetry done, to get my children’s stories cleaned up (I have 5 or 6 of them collecting dust)- I’m sure I’ve mentioned these before, but they are worth repeating. Part of my resolve is working. I’ve started to lose weight – I was over the moon. It wasn’t much – 4 lbs – but to me it was as though I had finally managed to leap over the moon. In 6 years I have been unable to lose weight, period. It may not be much to someone else, but to me this was a stepping stone. I am finally seeing me again.
I received my first packet from OBOD the other day. I’ve not had a chance to sit with it yet, but it has giving me another burst of enthusiasm to keep with what I am doing. I hope to sit with it this weekend. I’m excited about it. It’s another part of my resolve – to fulfill myself spiritually. The focus this weekend is clear out, clean up, cleanse, and study. We’ll see how it goes though – my children have sport responsibilities that I have to attend to. I know I can’t allow myself to be overwhelmed, it is one small step at a time, one breath at a time, one accomplishment at a time. Let’s hope my health improves (this horrid cough has got to go!).
Sometimes, though, I feel envelopped in a darkness that won’t let go. It gnaws as a chill from a cold winter’s wind. I feel it in my marrow, deep down, inescapably linked to my spirit. In that darkness I swim, feeling the waves lapping against the shore of distant light and joy. My self-loathing and self-esteem are wrapped a cocoon of it – unwilling to wriggle out, unwilling to move, a mountain a impenetrable depth. I believe that I need to embrace that part of myself and allow it to breath. I need to bring it forward and let others see it. Maybe, just maybe, then it will start to break free of it’s cocoon and allow me to fly. But darkness isn’t always bad, it’s not always destructive. What you have, is what you make of it. As the saying goes – it’s in the eye of the beholder. It can be beautiful and bittersweet…
What my desires are, are at times, in direct contrast to what my life presently is. My fear is that I will allow the whole of me to be seen, and be whole heartedly rejected. It is a fear I need to overcome.
All dreams are possible for those who shoot for the stars…and my aim is straight and true.